It’s been one hell of a ride, but I now feel like I’m in that place where I can talk about it. I was engaged, everything planned and on the way to my happily ever after, or so I thought. In what seemed like a split second my life turned upside down and I was in for a rollercoaster of emotions. The breakup was caused by many external factors, but a lack of love was never one of them. I do not wish to sound like one of those soppy, sentimental people who just go on and on about what they are feeling… but this might just end up being like that.
So with what seemed to be like my world crumbling in front of my eyes, I set on a journey of putting the piece of my life back together. There were various aspects of my life that seemed to be in shambles. The break up caused a lot of familial drama, and I had to deal with first not wanting to be around my family, to sometimes longing for their support. I yearned for a look or a hug or someone to tell me “It’ll be ok”. Other days, I did not want to even see them because they reminded me of a life I once had and could no longer have. In the end it felt like I had to look on from the outside and watch their life go on, whilst I was stuck in limbo.
There are days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, going to work seemed like I was training for a gruelling triathlon. With time, this obviously got better. Work started to challenge me again, and I started to find some satisfaction in what I do.
I went to therapy in the meantime to try handle all of this. I had never felt so powerless, so bitter and so disappointed with life. It wasn’t an easy task, and I never thought I would be one of those people who needed a therapist. In the first few weeks, I dreaded that weekly appointment where I had to go and force myself to open up to someone I barely knew. With time, this seemed to change, I looked forward to going, I took note of things throughout the week that I thought we should discuss. I was on a journey of self-discovery and I will proudly admit that a therapist was there giving me a gentle nudge when I needed it the most. I cried so easily, my heart broke more and more with each session, until one day I could see the situation better.
Some Friendships were difficult to maintain, people obviously had their say about the break up, people give advice where it is not always warranted and being in such a fragile state you might not always want to hear what you need to, even if it is from some of the people you trust the most. A cloud of confusion hung over my head, the only thing that provided me with solace was escaping the house. My life felt like it was looped….eat, work, out, sleep, repeat, with sleep being optional. There were very few people I could be myself with, open up completely and not be afraid of the judgement. I began to think people would dislike my company and that I am too much of a downer. Of course,I was also fortunate enough to meet new friends, though this did sometimes involve stepping out of my comfort zone. Something as simple as a coffee with someone new seemed like a daunting challenge to me.
Keep busy is what everyone said. No problem I thought in my head. My life was just a ferris wheel, and I was a passenger going around and around. I realised I didn’t have any hobbies. I signed up for multiple activities and courses, paid for them, researched them, but in the end I could just not bring myself to go. It seemed like I could not disrupt my status quo. I was desperate for something to spice up my life, yet something held me back.
Travelling, now that was one thing that kept me busy. Unfortunately, work demands and a limited budget meant that I could not travel ad infinitum, but that I would at some point have to return and face reality. The planning on a trip the excitement of booking, the endless discussions, I craved it. Then, there was the actual trip. Each time I had to return, it’s like someone was punching me in the stomach. The realization that it was time to get back to reality was a bit too much for me to handle.
I mentioned a whirlwind of emotions, one of them being the fear of being alone. Whilst I did try to date within the limited pool of availability of single men my age, it just never felt right. I then concluded that some people never met the love of their life, I was lucky enough to have at least had my time with him. I now wonder, who knows what might happen, or who I will meet? I do not know what my future holds, but I’ve packed my bags and this is one more trip I’m looking forward to!